THE EX

Guest post by Lesley Awino

It has been ages since she last saw or talked to him. That is what she told her friends, anyway. What they did not know was her on and off internal battles with losing him, or her attempts at strange and strained conversations with him. In her mind, he was an odd, fantastical creature she could not comprehend. Even though she knew he could kill her soul if she stayed with him, she tried to make it better.
“Maybe we could just stay friends.” That sounded wrong coming from her lips. It always sounded wrong when she begged for his attention, knowing all too well he would try to bed her and she would eventually kick him out of her life again.
She wanted him, and after a year and a half, she still had trouble letting go of him completely. And she more than hated herself for it.
It was time to let go, it had to be. The emotional matatu ride had lost its glimmering promise of excitement. She needed to cleanse herself of him before he could destroy her. And so she decided to get rid of him for real. Every trace from her phone, every thing of his left at her house.
She attempted to purge herself of his presence, and began to search for distractions. Her love turned to inspiring quotes from people with broken hearts she did not really know on FB and Twitter. She started to spend her time immersed in work, school and play, forgetting her soul along with his face. Slowly she lost herself to her obligations, and her need for passionate connection.
Her personality evaporated into unending apathy and she trusted nothing and no one. So much that a zombie-like slave’s existence was in the balance, as a real possibility for the rest of her life. Somewhere along the line, what was left of her ego took a hard fall when her best friend exposed her weaknesses to her. Her humbling slip up began her slow, turbulent journey to rediscovery. So engrossed did she become that by the time they meet again, he will be less than a memory. And when he will ambush her with kisses she will struggle with her self respect and new discovered personality. She struggles with it all the way to his bed, and recognizes the cycle starting again.